A friend and a client asked me in the same week, how they could break up with someone kindly? One had a fiancé and had been with her for many years, been through a lot with her and didn’t know how to end it because they had been through so much. The other was also in a long term relationship, cared about the person, but knew the person had abandonment issues and didn’t want to be seen as abandoning him, so instead she was intentionally being difficult and sabotaging the relationship in hopes the person would leave them. Both knew the relationship was over, but did not know how to go about ending it.
First off, I believe in calling a spade a spade. It is not kind to be intentionally sabotaging a relationship so they will break up with you. Moreover, both of them need to look harder at why they are not willing to say the words. Maybe their life lesson is to face conflict and learn to deal with it head on. Avoiding it in this relationship means the universe will set up the same situation in the next relationship or in other areas of their lives like at work or with family or friends. Further, when you don’t learn your life lesson, the next time is set up to be even more difficult, so best practice is to deal with the situation rather than avoiding it.
The truth is the kindest thing you can do when it is just the two of you (children and marriage make things way more complicated) is to simply break up with them. When you know in your heart* this relationship is not for you, break up because the other person senses something is not right on some level as well. They may be trying to fix the relationship or figure out how to bring the spark back. You are giving them false hope that the relationship will right itself. That is not being fair to them and if you truly did love that person, you would give them the true respect they deserve: your honesty. Plus, once you know, you are only delaying the inevitable: at some point in time you will break up. The longer you wait, the more attached that person will be to you and making them that much more devastated, or the more miserable you might be making both of you by continuing this charade.
*Note: knowing in your heart means having done the actual soul searching – what is really the reason you want to break up? Is it your issue? Is it actually the other person that you no longer want to be with? Is it fixable?
So how to break up with someone kindly? By taking that love you have for the person – that love that does not want to hurt them – and speaking with them honestly, openly and compassionately. That is all you can do. They will react how they are going to react and you cannot control that. For example, the woman who was afraid the boyfriend would feel abandoned. She has no idea if that is how he will react and if that is how he interprets it. Plus, that is his soul’s journey and a life lesson that he is meant to be working through. Far better to break up now while she can talk with kindness to the person rather than wait until she is fed up, storms out and actually abandons the guy. Thereby, creating the very scenario she was trying to avoid. The person might become angry, upset or hurt – that is normal and sadly, it is part of breaking up. They are losing someone they love and will grieve the loss. You will probably experience some of the same range of emotions. But in being honest, sincere and acting with integrity in your break up, that person’s High Self will hear and know the truth. By acting in such a way, the other person’s High Self will know it is over and the High Self will be able to guide that person to healing, moving forward in their lives and getting on without you a whole lot faster. So in that way, you are doing the kindness. Moreover, it is being kind to yourself. By breaking up, you are aligning with your truth and living in integrity. As well, the kindness is in doing it now, so that both of you can move on with your lives and find the people you are meant to be with. In staying together, you are wasting your time and theirs. Life is too precious to be wasting it. Hope this perspective helps in the tough job you have ahead.
