Grudges: How the Real Grudge Match is Fought Within & Effecting Your Health & How You Can Triumph

I once tried to hold a grudge. I was around eighteen and driving in the car with my mother. She had said something that I found incredibly hurtful and cold anger gripped me. I decided then and there I was never going to speak to her again. As we sat in the car in silence and me seething in anger, I realized to not speak to my mother I would need to hold onto this anger. I lasted two minutes. I couldn’t do it. It required way too much energy to hold onto that anger and I didn’t want to be angry all the time. I didn’t want to forgive my mother, but I had to let it go because I didn’t have the energy to hold onto that much anger.

          Because when you hold a grudge, you carry that anger with you. The questions are: How long are you holding onto it? Where are you storing it? What are you saying to yourself as you think of the other person? All those factors determine the effects on your overall health.

          Let’s start with how long you are holding onto the grudge or grudges and the energetics of your body. Your aura is a reflection of your thoughts, feelings and actions. The outer layers of your aura represents your thoughts and ideas. When those thoughts or ideas either get charged with an emotion or you have been thinking about it for long enough time, it enters into your second and third layers which are just above the physical body. And when they have been around for an even longer time or charged with a lot of emotion, they then can impact your physical body. That is when some physical ailments can arise. It’s what we call body metaphors. The body reflects back what you are telling it. The famous one is a person who continually says the weight of the world is on my shoulders and then they develop shoulder problems.

          With grudges, there’s a lot of anger behind that. So usually the liver is involved. It is the source of our courage, our resolve and our anger. To hold a grudge you need resolve and anger. Thankfully, the liver is regenerative and can take a lot of abuse. But interestingly enough, cirrhosis is the hardening of the liver. Holding grudges can make you appear like a hard person. Then there are a lot of old n’ day expressions that can give hints to where the anger is also impacting health. Venting of the spleen was an expression for going on a rant about someone and letting your anger out, so the spleen can be involved. Or did the person have the gall, the audacity to do that? Then the gall bladder can be involved. If you are stuck in the past from the grudge and can’t move forward in life, then often the knees can be affected. Or if you are holding back your words, the jaw can develop issues like over clenching, overbite or TMJ. Plus, when you do speak about this person or what happened what are you saying because the body is listening and responding to that too. Does the person make your blood boil? That could lead to high blood pressure or boils on your butt or both. Or do you speak with such venom and acid that acid reflux is occurring? Or is it the muscles in your body that hold the tension from being knotted up inside? Or does the knotted up inside lead to intestinal issues? Or worse yet, do you feel like this person is a cancer in your life? If the grudge is held long enough and deep enough, it’s you and your health that can pay the price and then aren’t they the ones that win? You have allowed that toxic person to ruin your health. Didn’t they already do enough with whatever they originally did? Here’s the thing, holding the grudge only makes your life miserable, not theirs. Let’s read that again: Holding a grudge only makes your life miserable, not theirs.

          I can testify to that. Although I can’t hold a grudge, I have two family members who can. They were once mad at each other for so long that they both forgot why they were holding the grudge and continued to hold the grudge anyways!?! They are true master grudge holders. In fact one of them got mad at me over something and it was 6 months later that she finally told me she was mad at me and been holding a grudge. I was completely oblivious to the grudge because rather than giving me the obvious silent treatment, she gave me one word or short sentence answers and that was supposed to be my clue. I had no clue. So during those 6 months, I was happily living my life and thinking all was good between her and I. Meanwhile, she was carrying the anger, being mad and silently seething inside. That’s why holding a grudge only makes your life miserable, not theirs. So what can you do about it?

          First, be aware of the words you are using. Are you developing health issues from them? As I said, I didn’t hold grudges, but when I didn’t like situations, I would get tired of it and say so. I was then tired all the time. My mom often referred to me as Tanya Tired Mackie in my early twenties. After a time, I then started to say I was sick and tired of the situation. When I started saying that, I noticed I was getting colds and flus quite frequently. Now, thanks to my NLP training, I picked up on the language I was saying to myself and the results from my words and switched it up. First, when I caught myself saying the words, I would then say cancel that and then I would reframe. So I would say, I’m not as awake as I’d like to be. I switched it to what I wanted instead and to the more positive. I do this because as I said the body is listening and it hears, oh you want to be more awake, okay we can make you more awake. Interestingly enough, when I started to do that, I found myself more awake throughout the day. So with the grudges and what you’re saying, what do you want instead? Keep brainstorming until it’s on the positive. E.g. That person makes my blood boil. What do you want instead? If you say for that person to die in boiling pit of lava. Well, you’re no longer making your own blood boil, but it’s still not positive and it’s not helping you let go of your anger. Instead, it’s fueling your fire. Try again. What do you want instead? What’s the opposite that you want? I want my blood to be calm and peaceful and for me not to react to that person. So I might say cancel the blood boil and say I’m not as calm as I’d like to be around that person and I hope one day I just don’t react to that person.

Secondly, when I started to say I was tired of a situation, I looked into it and asked what needs to happen to either resolve this or make me done with the situation? (For me done is my key word. When I am done with something, I am done. It’s ended. I have learned what I needed to learn and moving on and not looking back and there is no emotional charge one way or the other. You might have a different word that is that for you, so ask that instead.) So to figure this out, I would either chat with family or friends to bounce ideas around or journal about it. Then as I have the tools, I use SRT, Flower Essences, Reiki or NLP to let go of the built up emotions or where I was stuck. It takes practice and sometimes going back to the drawing board a few times before the right strategy works.

          Now, with grudges there is a third component of releasing the anger that has been stored inside. The grudge is not going anywhere as long as that energy is stuck in the body. Physical activity (walking, dancing, working out, kick boxing, etc) is one of the best releases because anger is very physical. It’s triggered by the fight or flight response and needs an action to release. Going for a drive and shouting it out is another great release although ensure windows are rolled up and you’re moving so you don’t scare the other drivers. Crying is another great one because underneath all that anger is often hurt or fear. If you can tap into that and what it was really all about, the anger can dissolve into tears.

          Also with grudges, there needs to be some form of closure or forgiveness to let the grudge go. Now for me, forgiveness isn’t about that other person. It’s about you and you no longer allowing that person to control your emotions and how you feel about what happened or that person. Forgiveness is letting it go and not letting it own you any longer. Setting you free to move forward in your life. If you still have any emotional negative charge, you’re still stuck there and with them and they still have you. Forgiveness is giving yourself the peace – the peace of mind you deserve. So ask yourself what do you need to let this grudge go? Get clear on that. Maybe it’s realizing you need to hear that person apologize for and spell it out, what and why. If you’ve been holding the grudge like that family member of mine who held it for 6 months and didn’t tell me, then tell the person. When she finally did say she was angry, we worked it out and I apologized as I hadn’t meant to offend. If you need that conversation, choose when it’s just the two of you and try to avoid blaming. Instead focus on how what happened made you feel and what you need instead or in the future. Now if you have gone many rounds with that person, wanting the apology and never getting it, then don’t bother doing it again. Instead, I would recommend writing a pretend letter to that person asking what you want and needed from them. Then in the second half of the letter say I am no longer asking that of you. Instead, I am giving that to myself. I am giving myself ….. because I deserve it and should have had it all along. I will be responsible for …..  I release you from this grudge and anger that I’ve been holding inside because you are not worth this anger any longer. I am freeing myself from you and this. I’m letting this go because I deserve better and to feel …. Write everything you need to say, everything you wanted to hear and everything you need to reclaim and release. Let it all go and then do what feels best. Tearing it up, burning it, whatever feels right, but don’t mail it. It won’t do any good. This is about you letting go. The letter would also work if the person is no longer living.

          If the letter isn’t working for you or you’re still carrying the grudge afterwards, then I would suggest looking at SRT which helps release the negative energies towards that person and to holding grudges, seeking counseling, or taking the Forgiveness spray to help you process why you hold grudges and it will actually help you release some of the grudges you hold in a slow and gradual way.

So I hope this helps in understanding how grudges can impact your health and how you can release your grudges. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.